


"MY GOURMET SPAGHETTI!"

by MaLau



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Cooking, Dramatic Sirius Black, Funny, Humor, Humorous Ending, I'm Bad At Tagging, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-06 22:06:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18226031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaLau/pseuds/MaLau
Summary: Stoves aflame, Dragons in the kitchen, you heard right. Sirius Black attempts to cook.





	"MY GOURMET SPAGHETTI!"

**Author's Note:**

> A little humor since my last fic was so angsty. Let it be known, Sirius Black should never be allowed in the kitchen.

Sirius Black was an excellent friend. The bestest friend in the world if you asked him. (And yes Remus, bestest is a word!) He stood in the kitchen watching the water boiling on the stove with the patience of an avid chess player. 'Yes' he thought to himself , 'I am the bestest most patientest friend' (Patientest is definitely a word Remus!)  
 You see, Sirius Black is being a good friend and cooking dinner for Remus Lupin. Because he was a good person. And this spaghetti is going to be the most gourmet spaghetti Remus has ever tasted in his entire, miserable, non-gourmet spaghetti eating life.  
"OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF WATER ARE YOU? BOIL ALREADY!" Sirius' shout reverberated throughout the flat as he had finally reached his breaking point. He had been waiting a whole 5 minutes for this water to boil. He said he was patient, not a miracle worker. 5 minutes is practically a lifetime in Sirius' eyes. 

Thoughts of remaining in the kitchen waiting for the water to boil for the rest of his life, and being a skeleton by the time Remus arrived, were interrupted by the sound of roiling water. "YES!" Sirius shouted, probably to the dismay of anyone in a 5 mile radius. Remus always admonished him for his sheer volume, but Remus isn't here is he? 

With that he poured the noodles into the pot. How many was he supposed to have in there? Was it normal to not see the water at all? Probably. And with that, he stepped back with a satisfied grin, and went to find some entertainment. Because who knew cooking could be so tiresome.  
'I mean really' he thought 'I thought this would be quick and easy, but how wrong I was'. 

Sirius went to shower, and change into something more presentable. As he was fussing with his hair because, 'It wasn't doing the thingy!',he smelled something. A burning something.  
'Hm, that's weird. Remus shouldn't be home yet, did he get home early and light one of his frilly candles?' Sirius thought with some amount of trepidation. Giving up on his hair, he walked through the hall, smoke getting worse the closer he got to the kitchen. Oh no. Sirius stared with no small amount of horror at the flame that was engulfing the stove. A loud gasp escaped Sirius, "MY GOURMET SPAGHETTI!" He couldn't believe this. Try to be a good guy and cook for your friend, and the universe throws this my way. Unbelievable. 

He whipped out his wand, and cast spell after spell until the fire was gone. A brave battle well fought if you asked Sirius about it later. He sighed with relief and looked back at the stove. Ohhhhh this is not good. The stove was completely burnt black. Singed! Gone! What was he going to do? Remus was due back any time now, and no amount of spells would return it to it's normal state. Remus was going to kill him. This is it. This is how he'll go down. Not in the midst of some fierce battle but because he set the stove aflame in a feable attempt at gourmet spaghetti. He supposed he could flee the country. That was probably the safest option. But Remus would find him, and he would meet his demise in a worser way if he ran.(Remus, for the LAST TIME, worser IS a word!) Well that leaves only option. He'll have to tell Remus. And he's going to die. 

Sirius walked to the window, opened it and gave his final goodbye,"Farewell good life, good riddance to all of my admirers!" Down below a shout of some rather colorful profanities that he wasn't willing to repeat was thrown his way. Not even a goodbye back! What a cruel world he was leaving behind. He slid down the wall in defeat.

The sound of a key unlocking the door echoed throughout the flat. Cold fear ran down his spine. The door opened shut and a coat was hung on the rack. 

"Sirius, im home!" Remus voice sounded from the hall. 

Okay, forget telling Remus, Sirius wanted to grow old. He ran into the hall to Remus' surprise and grabbed his arm, practically hauling him to the door. 

"Thank God your home, we're going to be late to my early birthday dinner." He said still trying and failing to pull him away from the scene of the crime. 

"Early birthday dinner?" Remus asked confused,  "your birthday isn't for another five months Sirius." 

"So?" Sirius still wouldn't let him go. He might not be able to get him out of the flat by force, but he wasn't above using magic. He was contemplating which spell was best to use when Remus gave a jerk to his arm. 

"Come on Sirius let me go, don't be silly." 

"No!" He said with the stubbornness of a child. 

"Why are you acting like this, I'm just trying to go to the kitchen for some food?" Remus said, still trying to free his arm.

"Uh-trust me you don't want to go in there, I saw a dragon in there earlier and it tried to eat me. Come on let's run or it will eat us both." He said, grasping at straws, praying to any god that would listen that Remus wouldn't step foot in that kitchen.

"A dragon?" Remus asked disbelieving. 

"Mhm!" He shook his head fast with wide eyes, picture of innocence. 

"Don't be ridiculous, let me go, now." He said in a tone that said he was done with Sirius' attitude. 

"Well, im sorry for trying to be a good friend and saving you from the fiery demise of a dragon REMUS!" He watched Remus face, hoping for some flicker of him giving in to what Sirius wanted. Except Remus face screwed up in confusion. 

"Sirius, what is that smell?" Sirius wouldn't meet his eyes. "Look at me, look me in the eyes and tell me why I'm smelling a burning smell." Sirius only whimpered in return.

"What did you do?!"

"Nothing! Come on!" Sirius said in a futile attempt to get his attention away from the evidence. But Remus was having none of that. He jerked his hand out of Sirius' grasp and made his way to the kitchen. 

"B-but Remus! The DRAGON!" Sirius shouted, but Remus was not to be deterred, he knew something had happened. 

The flat got eerily silent. The only sound was Sirius' heart pounding. He turned with light footsteps and went for the door, in a last attempt at an escape. Hoping that Remus wouldn't hear him he reached for the door knob and almost had it open when- 

"SIRIUUUUSSSSS!" 

Maybe the plan to flee the country wasn't a bad idea after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you got a laugh out of reading this as much as I did writing it! Feel free to leave a comment and tell me suggestions for other story ideas and if you liked this story! :)


End file.
